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Forum Home > Why I Left AA > I'm the latest exile

ChickenStu
Member
Posts: 3

I was a member of AA for a little less than four years. Had sponsors, sponsored people, worked the programme. I was in a bit of a bad way when I went in with 6 days sobriety under my belt. I'll have four years sobriety in May.

I got my life back together and credited AA with everything. In the last fortnight or so I found out that two good friends of mine had left. I was incredulous at first - believing like all AA people would that them picking up the bottle and dying was inevitable. But I did what AA people generally don't do. Rather than "Detatching with love" I asked them why...

I was directed to the Orange Papers and eventually found this website. I realised that it was ME who got ME sober by putting the bottle down. I also realised how the 12 steps actually degrade people and make them feel worthless. I already knew about how the GSO in UK have £2Million hidden in an offshore account.

One of those people who left told me that her sponsor had told her to quit anti-depressants even though they were prescribed by a Doctor for a very real condition completely independent of alcoholism. Her sponsor told her that she wouldn't be depressed if she was working the program properley. 

I then realised that I'd been advising people to "not let the God word scare them" or tried to avoid it altogether until a later stage. I'd been telling them to use the rooms as the higher power and think of the word GOD as an acronym for "Group Of Drunks". Completely blindly without realising the occult message in my words. As someone who calls themselves a Christian I should have seen the problem here but I didn't. I was completely brainwashed.

It's friday now. I got out of AA on tuesday. Telling my sponsor was heartbreaking as was breaking it to my sponsees. One person in AA who I was friends with keeps harrasing me telling me "I'm constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself" and the usual big book jargon.

I've been a fool. I went in there looking for help and was beaten down into thinking I was worthless so I could be controlled - under fear of certain death if I didn't do as I was told. 

I won't lie. The thought of drinking again does scare me. I don't want to do it. I've been very emotional this last couple of days but have been told that my brain is "de-programming itself" and this is why. 

Basically guys I need help. I feel kind of alone and scared. I'm worried about Jesus The Lord And Our Saviour not forgiving me for praying to the the charlatan deity the AA had me subscribe too for the last four years. I feel violated and like a total fool. 

These are strange times for me. 

April 4, 2014 at 11:09 AM Flag Quote & Reply

AntiDenial
Member
Posts: 89

Hi Chickenstu- welcome! It sounds like you are going through a difficult but much needed time of change. I do think the organization of AA is evil, and many are fooled by it. But you have seen the light and that is what matters. Give yourself time to deprogram, it is a process. Even though I have not been a member myself I have read a tremendous amount from those leaving AA. Like with any cult, it is a process of many different feelings and acknowledgments over time. You have lots of company and should find lots of support. If you are concerned about drinking their are some different online programs like SMART Recovery http://www.smartrecovery.org  they have free online meetings, some face to face ones in some areas, plus chat rooms and lots of free material on their website that is evidenced based.  What I find pretty consistant is people feeling much better over time after leaving AA. Their self esteem increases tremendously! Go figure! You learn you are not powerless and that you do have a brain that you can rely on. 

http://www.leavingaa.com

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Violent Criminals Mandated to Attend AA and NA Meetings

http://nadaytona.org

April 4, 2014 at 3:56 PM Flag Quote & Reply

ChickenStu
Member
Posts: 3

Thanks for the reply AntiDenial. I'll check out those websites. At the moment I just feel broken on the inside. I feel like I've been the victim of a gross violation. My emotions are just everywhere.

April 4, 2014 at 5:53 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Live_free_or_die
Administrator
Posts: 851

First I want to welcome you to the site Stu. Second I want to congratulate you on your 4 years that is upcoming in May. I in fact just passed my 4 years of no drinking in March. Congratulations on that!! I also want to say I am proud of you for making what I think is the right decision to leave AA. You are not alone in your thought about how destructive AA can be to a person’s psyche.

 

You are correct, Stu, in that it was you who got you sober, and not AA. You should take all the credit for that. Overcoming addiction is not an easy thing to do. Pat yourself on the back.

 

AA can be a thought-stopping, emotions-freezing process but you are making great strides right now. Don’t forget that. I personally don’t think there is anything positive about the AA/12 step program whatsoever. Also, although I am not a religious person, I seriously doubt any deity will hold it against you if you did indeed lose your way. Afterall, you were simply looking for help. I think you will be fine.

 

I understand that these may be strange times for you but know that you are not alone in your thoughts and emotions. Many people have come to the same conclusions about AA as you have and you are definitely not alone.

 

AntiDenial offered some good suggestions for other avenues that might help you. I just want to point out to you that we have an “Additional Resources” page at the top of the website that lists other alternatives and websites you might find helpful.

 

Again, welcome to the site Stu. We are glad you are here!!

 

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Pro Empowerment - Engage & Enable


April 4, 2014 at 10:12 PM Flag Quote & Reply

AntiDenial
Member
Posts: 89

Hi again Stu, I am sure you feel a huge sense of betrayal. Be kind to yourself. It is a good time to maybe do the things for yourself that AA either discouraged directly or by default because they try and keep people so wrapped up in service work and meetings. Some people seek out professional help with a non 12 step therapist. They do more enjoyable things and take care of other things that are important to them. Treat yourself to a well derserved break by not being too hard on yourself. It will all take time, but it will get better.

--

Violent Criminals Mandated to Attend AA and NA Meetings

http://nadaytona.org

April 5, 2014 at 2:27 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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